Well, what sort of dilemma am I in. Over the last year I've been on holiday with the ex-wife and kids where I put myself through the mangle by looking at her mobile phone messages. I went to Turkey alone on an all inclusive holiday and tried to re-enact "The Swimmer" with Burt Lancaster, shagged a 23 year old from St Petersburg and a 42 year old from Manchester and was nearly beaten senseless by a Turkish security guard. However the Hog speed and agility saved the day on that one.

2008 went nowhere. I spent nearly every other Friday night having intimate relations with random females post 11 pints of lager. The self loathing was at its worst last year.It goes without saying that the ridiculous amount of beer drank alongside said sexual deviancy did not help. I had at one point a mini-harem going on a Friday night where I could take a pick of 3 women to take back to the Hog dungeon. One of the Friday night regulars was the Whitley Bay double dipper. I Leave that to the readers imagination what that means. She was a 5"10 amazonian woman, fit as a butchers dog, plastic tits, loved to give if you get my drift and well up for all-sorts of shennanigans. How may you ask can a man get sick of such frolics. I admit I have been spoilt when it comes to filthy sex in the last 4 and a half years rather than the usual missionary mayhem, guilt trip and fumble of the married man. Each one of said victims haven't left me hollow or thinking I'm missing out on "real love", which is what I was hoping would happen. That there would be some blinding light and smack in the face to say " Hog, it's not for you sonna, find something more mentally stimulating" All I've had is self loathing for a 10 hour period after each "visit". But when there's no alcohol not even a whiff of self loathing. 

The thing I'm trying to get to is closure one way or the other with the ex-wife. Yes I still have feelings for her but think she's either not interested or is expecting me to make another move on her. We had words after our summer holiday and she told me she still had feelings for another bloke. That was it for me. Or so I thought. She fucking haunts me.  She never got back with him anyway and we've been quite close but not in any physical or going out way. I suppose it's just down to having the kids. I spent xmas day at the old house, slept there on xmas eve and we had a bit of a cuddle sharing the same bed on xmas eve. Mind you, it was down to me making the move. And no, I didn't try to fuck her. Xmas day she fell asleep on the couch and I played with the kids. When she woke up I literally had nothing to say to her. I just went into the back room and made up a Lego dinosaur for 4 hours. She wanted to watch soap shite on TV and it sent the old shivers down my spine of a marriage moribund of love. A friend told me a few months back he had given up hope of ever meeting anyone decent after being divorced for 4 years and had just a chequered sexual history as myself. He wasn't gutted about it, just accepted it wasn't going to happen. Then he met his current partner and they've been together for 3 years and have a child. He thought the "things happen when you least expect them " phrase was bollocks too. To be brutally honest I just wish someone would tell me what to do. I'm sick and tired of wondering what if all the time about the ex. I suppose that's just a massive cop-out by not asking her what her thoughts are. I know her parents fucking hate me, but I couldn't give a fuck about that aspect. I think I know deep down I'd be going back for the kids and in the vain hope she could re-light my fire again. Which after the xmas day cold war between us I somehow doubt is going to happen. Maybe she wants me to grovel and really suffer for me leaving her. I can en-visage myself sat at  my computer in the old dining room playing online games whilst she's watching coronation street, waiting for her to goto bed and have a cheeky wank when she's gone to sleep as she's never interested in sex (again).......(Who wouldn't want a piece of the newly found sexual tyrannosaurus that is the Hog. Fuck me she must be blind!)

Me and a pal where in the sauna the other day and reckoned we must have spent 2 grand on nights out last year. Fuck me, thats ridiculous. I can't say I didn't get my moneys worth on the women front though. It got to the point at the end of last year I was going to post an apology on the match.com website I'd been on to all the women I'd rebuked and pissed off in the past 2 years. It would have read something on the lines of...
" I would like to apologise to anyone who has had the misfortune of wasting keystrokes, text messages, line minutes, hard earned cash at The Shiremoor house farm(where I used to meet them) and those of you who had the pleasure of full intercourse. It is with great sorrow that I must retire from the fray that is internet dating. I have met a lot of very nice women along the way, most of whom I have fucked off in some way or another due to my lack of enthusiasm, selfishness and willingness to blame anything but myself for our demise. Good night and may your god go with you." I probably would have been reported to the authorities.  

I haven't been on the LJ for quite some time now. A lot has happened since then. Not monumental limb losing, bereavement type stuff but things that have forced closure onto me in my life. 3 weeks ago I decided to take the kids on holiday and asked the ex-wife if she'd like to join us. We went to the lake district, just outside of Keswick. 
The place was phenomenal. The views as I already knew were spectacular and I had Rantus's zoom lens to keep me company.  Somehow I thought that I could make things right between myself and the ex-wife..... Hmmm. Maybe not. Both of us have moved in different directions and the imperfections that caused the break up have become more accute. She was none too impressed with my ideas for our days out whilst in the lakes. She believed it would be a time for us to "chill" (which incidentally is a word I cannot stand being used these days unless it involves the use of refrigeration). I on the other hand wanted to explore what the lakes had on offer... ie fabulous views, great walks and climbs etc...My kids are 7 and nearly 5 , full of beans and take some getting tired. Ideal place to be so you would think. Alas, no, the ex-wife's negativity had burrowed into them both and no sooner had we arrived I was met with "ah, dad, we don't want to just go walking...." I fully intended on making it fun for them, trying to incorporate a little bit of climbing of a non-perilous variety. But no, my hopes were dashed. 


 We did go for several short walks but it was more down to being put in that position than choosing. It was as though I'd turned the clock back to 2004 when we split. Nothing had changed. There was nothing I could do to make the ex happy. I bent over backwards to accommodate her moods. If i said black she'd say white. I recall one argument in the car when driving to Bassenthwaite lake over map reading (which isn't my forte). She made an arse of things and blamed me. I had to bite my tongue and let her have the last word. Half an hour later I decided to keep the peace and apologised for the argument despite it being all down to her. She never flinched. Only later that week she acknowledged how thoughtful I'd been all week. 

   I recall looking at the ex at the beginning of the holiday and thinking how attractive she looked and surprisingly enough having more than my fair share of lustful thoughts about her. This is where it gets naaaaaaassssty... She had been seeing a neighbour called  "fred" who I can only describe as a ball scratching ninkompoop of the highest calibre. The man can barely string a sentence together, has no interests and is as thick as a whale omelette. Enough of the insults. I was unsure if anything was still going on between the 2 of them but due to my curious nature I couldn't help but look at her mobile phone. I saw that they had been exchanging messages whilst we were away. I glimpsed at 2 and it crushed me. Because, at that time I was still looking through rose coloured glasses thinking a reconcilliation was not a million miles away. I had to go swimming with her and the kids and felt empty. She didn't even notice. I went to the sauna halfway through and shouted "fuck" about 20 times... Later that night after a few drinks I decided to put my cards on the table re any reconcilliation. It wasn't happening. She and "Fred" were having a break and not speaking or contacting each other for a month (which was obviously a lie due to the text messages) and that me and her were a million miles away from anything physical happening between us. She said that she may never trust me again which is understandable as I left her, that she was a different person now and so was I . I had to agree with her. The next morning she said that she would consider what I'd said when she got home. Fuck that, I thought, your just taking the piss as i know you're still seeing him. Anyway the following night I went a step further and  when she was asleep read through her entire phone..... Something I would advise no-one to do. What I read was a real kick in the stotts. My initial thoughts were that of disgust, hatred and jealousy... When I have reflected on them all I read were messages that I would have sent back and forth to her many years ago (if we'd had mobile phones!) and were all along the same lines as verbal exchanges we have had in the past. It was just excruciating to see them written without you in the mix.... So a chapter for me has closed. No comeback for me. She can RAM IT! 

  I came back on the Saturday afternoon and later that night ended up back at the very accommodating Tina's house and a boat load of self loathing the following morning. She has no shame or morals.... (Even less than moi) Introducing her kids to a man who's just boning her now and again.... That's just wrong. I have toyed with the idea of going back on the match.com or guardian soulmates but fuck it for now. 

 

 

1. Tell you why I befriended you. -- this was all rantuss' fault! he would tell me teasing snippets of your nefarious ways and my interest was piqued. also, any friend of his...&etc

2. Associate you with something- fandom, a song, a colour, a photo, etc. -- i actually associate you with 70's kid's games. i think it's because you talk so lovingly about your kids, and rantuss mentioned about playing Top Trumps with your boy.

3. Tell you something I like about you. -- your no-nonsense northern attitude to life and candidness. and you have a wicked sense of humour when you tell your stories.

4. Tell you a memory I have of you. -- having a stand-off with someone's teenage son, naked.

5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you. -- what would you have done for a living if you didn't do...what you do now?

6. Tell you my favourite user pic of yours. -- the man whore one, naturally.

7. In return, you must post this in your LJ -- well?

I cannot get enough of my camera... Number 1) is Hog junior (Joe). 2) the usual attempt at something decent. 3) Both Hog juniors. 4) The hog dungeon light,  5) The local country park again.

 
 

                                                                         

I ended up at a lap dancing place on Saturday night with a pal from work who has a shoe fetish. I had no money to spend whatsoever inside and it was a tad annoying to say the least. However I was on a promise so it more than got me in the mood for mclovin when I got to the very welcoming Tina's place. On a different note I absolutely love Kath and Kim, the Australian comedy series. I think I've watched about 12 episodes in this last week alone. I appear to be well and truly over the Laura episode. I seem to be drifiting back into drowning myself in one night stands though. There's no middle ground with the Hog. I wish I could find it, yet I think it would just be something mediocre and I'd crave the obsessional Hog or the sex-fuelled Hog.

I've been messing about with a couple of old SLR cameras in the last few months taking mediocre pictures of my kids not smiling or random shots of fuck all. Anyway, I took the plunge last week and bought a digital SLR. I've taken a ridiculous amount of photos which would've cost in excess of £150 to develop already and can honestly say there's only about 10 I think are decent enough for a (very) amateur photographer. 
I have photoshop, but don't know how to work it at all. A lesson from Rantus beckons...
Here are a few. 1)My son Joe. 2) Mine and his football boots! 3) Joe and Ellie. 4) The local lighthouse, 5)A rather boring photo of a flower in my parents back garden 6) Is looking out from the Lighthouse in Whitley Bay.
I have a feeling LJ won't let me upload them all.... I appreciate criticism and would like some top tips! Been messing about with the white balance and ISO on the camera.....
   











On a lighter note, I received a bit of a shocker on Friday gone. "Tina" the lady who's been gratefully accepting the Hog man sausage of late had a bit of bad news which involves me having to visit her in an official capacity this week...... Fuckin hell. I may have to be responsible and not shag her... The dietitian got back in touch!!!!!! What a result. She's desperate to be de-frocked again. Hopefully she won't have lost any of her filth!!!

Last weeks victim (Tina)  was given the Hog "slut-phone / Mangina Line" number as a result of her top of the pops performance in the sack. I remained in text contact with said "Tina" for the last week and she was enquiring if I would be visiting the delights of "Whitley Bay" last night. After spending 400 quid on a new slr camera (without a fooking memory card I hasten to add) and being knackered after visiting the discovery museum in town avec kids it wasn't looking good.  I told Tina I was skint and wouldn't be out, yet would be willing to turn up at her place and do the necessary. She was happy with that. 

Instead, at 7.30pm I received a call to go out with "Robbie" from work and after a nano-second of thought processing decided it would be in my best interest to get amongst the women again... After seeing and speaking with many a decent looking lady I bumped into Tina, who was a tad surprised at my presence. ( She'd even offered me a tenner to come out god bless....paramount to prostitution as so eloquently put by Rantus today) Anyway, we told Tina we weren't stayig and from that point on a mental power struggle of an extremely tedious nature took place. Which I won't go into detail about. I ended up at a party in the early hours sans Tina where I had my Tarot Cards read for me. It said I'd been the Devil in my disant past, am going to experience love at the back end of next year and come into money pretty soon. What a heap o shite.  I left said party at 3am and was picked up by Tina in a Taxi where she decided it was best to tell all and sundry what I do for a living. ( A theme that didn't stop until I left her place this morning). We got back to hers and were greeted by her son's 15 year old mate. He proceeded to wake her son up so they could both have a gawp at the Hog. Happy days.... Beam me fucking up Scotty. By 4am I managed to cajole Tina into the sack, wragged her all over and went to kip. At 8am I awoke with a bladder the size of a Mitre Multiplex(football) and had to perform a sneak-in type piss which Andy Mcnab'd be proud of. This was in order to keep the sleeping kidz asleep. When I got back from my ablutions I awoke the naked Tina and the devil with 2 backs re-appeared again....  At 8.30am it sounded as though the front door was being kicked in (again), unfortunately it was Tina's 4yr old daughter being dropped off...... I didn't think it could get any worse. She sent the said 4yr old into the living room to watch Balamory but her curiosity got the better of her and she walked into the bedroom. I was under the covers in the buff, Tina lying next to me. The 4yr old jumped onto the bed and gave me a look to say "Are you my new dad?"  If there'd been any form of weapon nearby I'd have gladly smashed myself into a coma. The poor little girl must be completely fucked up by the situation. Speaking as a divorced father I made a decision that when I've being seeing someone it has to get to the 3/4 month mark before I'd even introduce them to the kids..... unlike Tina's 3/4 hour rule.......  I made a sharp exit at that point. I have never dressed as quickly in my life. The most disturbing thing bar the 4yr old confrontation was that Tina wanted to tell everyone what I did for a living and that I was some sort of trophy. Now all it means is that all her kids will think that all  the people that do what I do are Cunts..... Needless to say Tina is now off the team. What posesses someone to tell their kids that they'll be bringing back a bloke who they've known for a matter of hours back to their home that night? I think Tina's heart is in the right place and she loves her children, but, sometimes love isn't enough.... A little common sense needs to prevail.


My life seems to be a mixture of the following at this time..